Thursday, 25 February 2010

unutteredly profane to you

the afternoon smells of chinese incense and lethargy. the atmosphere is laden with drunken humidity and callous disregard of social etiquette. and my mind... my mind is filled with troubled thoughts, as i lay in wait for a friend. sipping my mochachino (one has to have standards nowadays), the artificial sweeteners are not nearly enough to sugar-coat reality in its raw, unadulterated form. ah, he approaches.

exe: hey, how're things with you?
hendrix: f*cken awesome. did you know house officers have the ability to bend space-time, now?
exe: really? this is awesome. when do i get to abuse your new-found powers?
jh: never. we only get to distort time such that we work 32 hours a day. that's about the extent of our powers.
exe: sucks ass.
jh: tell me about it. so how's life?
exe: eh, same old, same old. can't complain.
(what he really wanted to say: life sucks ass. i'm falling off the edge, and i can't really say why. it's a generalised feeling that i can't seem to wrap my head around. if you'd care to hear about...)
jh: well, that's good. it's good to see that you've come to terms with things.
exe: oh yeah. totally.
(that couldn't be any more further from the truth than australia is from uranus. if anything, everything is falling apart faster than it used to. reality is blurring, leaving myopic edges to a once crisp vision. i can only see nothingness, even when my thoughts are focused)
jh: have you made any progress with [such and such problem].
exe: kinda. it's looking up, now. finally got some feedback from them.
(well, this is true, yet. it all seems to not matter at all. nothing does, anymore. in kierkegaard's eyes, i have failed in my personal duty to give life meaning. and all is lost. drowned. suffocated by angst, despair, anger. feck feck feck feck feck)
how about you? heard you're having problems with work, and the fiance?
jh: well. something like that. you see...

and the conversation goes on. with more itallicised sections.

on another occasion, exe meets, in a rare moment with fermina. there can be no colour more resplendent, no flavour more savoury, no sound more acoustic. there can be no honey, sweeter than that tasted in this moment of rarity. and yet, such a moment blurs by with more itallics:

exe: oh hey, haven't seen you in ages!
f: hi.
exe: so, yeah, how's things with you?
(here, i wanted to say, how much the hours in your absence have left no meaning up 'til now. how tasteless the humour of men has been, and how ironic the laughter of god is, as all is lead up to this point)
f: okay. just started working here.
exe: awesome. assume you've got everything from the previous job settled?
(and tell you how much i have longed for you, in love and in lust. how much moreso there can be none other to substitute for an irreplacable feeling, no matter how i have tried. no matter how i've disgustedly tried)
f: yeah, it didn't work out how i wanted it to, but, eh.
exe: yeah, i know what you mean. life's like that i guess.
(and tell you even more that it has been seven centuries since i last felt something would mean as much, or even as close. and that i have waited. and waited. and waited. and will continue to do so, until there is a day where waiting is all there is left. and still, then, i will wait. on something that may never happen, but. there will still be me, in wait)
f: yeap yeap. thanks for supporting me through these hard times.
exe: sure thing, that's what friends are for, right?
(and how i hate that you cannot see, all that i could do, even though i have done nothing. all that i would do. just so that you could see, what i would throw on the line. for. something. even nothing. that you would never understand. how could you, indeed? fsck fsck fsck fsck)

really. how could anyone. because, although all these things run through my head, nothing is conveyed through my tongue. nothing. because all that i can say is, that i am, at the very least, super-articu-lative.

for those who haven't realised, this is yet another fictional entry, as per promised, following on the (apparently) popular previous one, which can be viewed here.

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