Sunday, 19 March 2017


he was only a child, restless and fragile, incompetent and brash. however, he was sweet - the kind of sweet you would adore from afar, and perhaps even find enchanting should you never have had the displeasure of meeting him in person. a child who, if only by name, was immature and selfish, petyr, and was too naïve to fully comprehend how the world works. take away his toys, and he would not cry, but he would be bitter and taciturn for a fortnight. take away his food, and he would not make any qualm, for he knew that it was only a matter of time 'til he was given another meal. give him a book, and he would read for hours on end, neglecting almost all responsibilities, but those he had to nature; but never give him an inkling of affection, for he would grow far too attached to know that every hello ends in goodbye, that every smile should end.

petyr grew up in solitude, never knowing any peers as he was the son of a czar, too rich of fortune to mingle with peasants, too poor of culture to know otherwise. what he lacked in social interaction, he made up in grooming, made prime by tutors of various disciplines and mentors from every continent. though he may grow, one day, to become refined, articulate, educated, and well-read, nobody could have said that petyr the younger showed any promise of growing beyond an average child. he displayed none of the characteristics of his father, in being charismatic, or commanding, or charming, but, perhaps, took after his mother, though nobody could say for certain, for she died giving birth to him, and was a princess from a lesser, unknown-to-many state, leaving her personality up to speculation and educated guesses - likely as much as her husband knew of her at the time, too. regardless, she was quiet and a self-admitted romantic, which, if petyr inherited from her, was only accentuated as he grew.

unfortunately, his notion of righteousness and chivalry stemmed almost entirely from vague and extrapolated notions of what was retold to him of his mother, and to the czar's dismay, was entirely detached from local custom and culture. to whatever ends may be of import, he never found in himself the will or capacity to endure others' companies, and spent copious amounts of time either in the palace library, where he was accompanied by the handful of scribes employed only for posterity, or in one of the many gardens, where he was accompanied by his own. as time passed, he would learn to appreciate more of the latter, and as he spent more time in the vast gardens, now reserved for his own use, he ironically retracted more and more into his own thoughts, lulled and disillusioned as one may in their own time.

today, however, marks a day of departure from his norm, and petyr would find himself chained and restricted by his own choice of upbringing. a royal gala, held in accordance of his royal father's conquest over a far-away country (no doubt, of barbarians and heathens), were to serve as an introduction to the ineffable, beauteous and amiable anna, of whom nobody in the kingdom had heard of before. having seen her from across the banquet table, petyr could not have cared less for the charming young princess (or, if not from royalty, perhaps she were merely of regal and blued blood, though none could ascertain for the now), and hoped eagerly to return to his chambers come the end of the night. however, the czar, never one to betray his promise to the memory of his wife, made arrangements that the two should have a conversation in private during dessert, and it was then that petyr was smitten beyond his restraint, and would later confide in his chambermaid, ".. a darling creature of such exuberant character, the sound of whose voice resonates with the night and the sight of whose shadow could not but cast a brighter light! truly, i am lost in such wonder, and i have been fool not to have betrayed myself in speech, act, and thought..."

alas, who could wonder to the ends of such simple a meeting, for as far as conversations go, the young czar was poor and leaves wanting, and for beginnings of courtships may bloom, he is but withered and hopeless. and so it has come, to the end of the night, no sooner had it relented as it had becked unwantingly - at least for said young petyr.

Friday, 10 March 2017

never again

posted here for posterity and bitter remindings, that never again should there be let this heart astray, only to embrace those which have previously becked, and those who have left it uncalled - there can be no worse sundering as already has, and for that, recuperation is no longer a choice, option, or reprieve, but the only salvation for this heart to survive.

expressed in one sentence, that the future reader may laugh at the follied attempt at writing.

Friday, 3 March 2017

your move

an ocean of a million miles, that plagued with depth of leagues unknown,
could hardly as far as between, what fleeting darkened crows could flown;
yet, farther this haunting divide, what becks emotions 'tween two hearts,
that make for slated wuthering winds to blow unknown souls apart.

one wish that expressed better what the mind was feeble, heart was scared,
(though fondness ever grew unchecked, how could one lay such thoughts full bared?)
so says he now as fleeting flights, of mind, of heart, of form, of stray,
how could he live through sordid nights, full knowing of your move away?

with apologies to S.W. to whom i could never express such intense and burning affection, if only because your heart was always elsewhere.

Thursday, 22 December 2016


daily that i fall in love, upon mine trembled stand commute,
beseeching eyes that fall upon the day that seem so resolute;
hourly should i falter once, and twice as much should i choose not,
against the steepled tropics rain, before the sunless burning hot.

daily that i find new kin, and friends with whom i share our woes,
while some wry of golden sixpence, and others of lacked passion throes;
timely as i while away by reading into strangers' eyes -
belying tired, languid tales, betraying hopeful, cheery lives.

regardless of their coloured sheens, or practiced thoughts of godly-tales,
one can but tell of kindred bonds, that disregard such ebon pales;
and though i pretend to have read, perused upon mine pages bland,
there are none more interesting tales to have heard from across the land,
such as those told through silent speech,
through smiles and coughs that one could teach;
and though i think it but distraught,
who knows what teachers could have taught?

now crosses sturdy wooden bridge, i hear the trundles thump and creak,
some storied told are for the heart, and some are never for the weak;
but always they are worth being told, on days and sometimes weeks apart,
there are as many different loves as are there many flitting hearts.

now here we are, arrived at last, upon the proverbed daily grind,
some authors write for penance sake, and others perhaps to unwind;
but all they write - and as do i - so easy like a beggar's plead,
if only to behest that one should spend the time to rest and read.

fare thee well my scribing friends, dispersed like dainty dawdling doves,
and forget not my errored prose, that daily should i fall in love.

Thursday, 15 December 2016

in full bloom

jacarandas all in bloom, sighing with the wind,
like lost souls who never met their closest next of kin;
jacarandas without leaves, that purple in the blazing heat,
let petals fall and dance their tune to land upon my naked feet.
bright mauve dancers in their skirts that bloom to ease my pain,
that sprouted from unearthly source behest of heaven's rain;
jacarandas in a row, that give my neighbourhood heartbeat,
and grace daybreak and sunset with your sickly, sorrowed sweet.
but, hark, who comes, in blazing flames, of scarlet, maroon, red?
like ginger children, freckled souls, and grins upon their heads;
and not of one, but many breeds, whose flowers stake their claim,
pray tell my sweet, what blushing brides have chosen be thy name?
a hibiscus, a wee bird's beak, a sanguine vase, a hide-and-seek,
but choreographed petals lain to lay upon a lover's cheek;
but how could such a beauteous thing make jacarandas seem so lame,
if only to be called a lord, the sight of one, a forest flame.
perhaps it is that in their grace, they seek not to compete or shy, but cloaked in regal of the kings they make one falter and assume,
so ask ye men, not what or who, or beg not know the whence or why, to let the summer throne their reign the purples reds are in full bloom.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

my new hero

"whatever you can do, there's likely some asian 10 yo who can do it ten times better"

well, Dr. Heng Li isn't ten, but it kind of still holds true.

this guy is my new hero.

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

that dread memory

when i was growing up, i was slow to realise that my social interactions with others caused them moderate-to-severe discomfort, and that a lot of how i behaved (and, when i was in my teens, what i said) was generally quite abrasive. now, i should emphasise that this is not just the awkwardness while one is young(er), or the rebelliousness associated with youth - i never really went through a rebellious phase, as i was at boarding school, anyway, and i always liked the higher authorities; i never really felt that i was too awkward a person in my lonesome, but i do recall, now, that in the company of others, i would behave somewhat unsavoury-ly - something that persists in vestigial amounts to this day.

perhaps, it is warranted here an example. i believe that one of the biggest social faux pas-es that i did was this uncanny ability to remember the smallest details that i pick up during conversations. again, when i was younger, i felt that everyone would retain a considerable amount of information from social conversations, and it would, therefore, not be out of place to reproduce such information at a later date - this is wrong. not only do people forget most of the 'filler' details of conversations, they also relegate most of the information to a disposable status soon after the conversation has ended - something, which, i feel is socially acceptable, if not expected.

now, before you judge me for being a self-proclaimed know-it-all, or hyper-observant twat, let me acknowledge that i am neither (or anything similar, hopefully). i don't pretend to have a photographic memory, or am able to 'learn' of things faster than anyone else, just that i have perhaps, always thought that everything one mentions in passing is important enough to warrant someone paying attention to. of course, with age, i now know that most people use these factoids as 'fillers' and, unfortunately, i find myself (having to do) doing the same.

of course, a repercussion of this was that people would find me weird for knowing things about them 'that nobody else knew' or that 'they never told anyone', which, again, still happens to this day. you can imagine that, since this retaining of information is more emphasised when i deem it 'important' (such as when someone special in your life may mention something to you), well, it only bodes unwell for when i try to have a casual conversation with 'that' someone (especially considering that i'm already in jitters to begin with).

in any of these high pressure cases, it seems that i let blurt, sometimes, that old habit, of information that was so readily divulged before, but apparently not to be retained - in said conversations, in job interviews, in meeting new people, and such. and the slanted glances don't go unnoticed. however, in my (oh-so-wise-) age, i've now learned to better control this in conversations, such that i 'force' myself to forget things i hope are too trivial (and doing this on purpose takes a lot of practice and experience!), but sometimes, people do notice that i'm feigning it (although it's usually not the person who's supposed to have thought that i had legitimately forgotten, thank heavens.

anyway, it's nice to become a little less socially inept by controlling this impulse, but at the same time i cannot help imagining if i've come to mask it so well that i've now adopted it as a norm. i do find myself forgetting details of a conversation that, when in the past, people would say 'i can't believe you don't remember me telling you this' and thinking to myself, 'yes, i remember, of course, but have to pretend that i don't remember every single thing you've told me, lest you think me a stalker', now i find that i legitimately don't recall (or at least require some pondering to recall it). perhaps it is also my (purported) age that is lending its hand at making me more socially acceptable.