Monday, 25 January 2010

good job, doctor obvious

as gregory obvious, md is basking in the faint sunlight of his office, in rush his two interns, reporting a curious and unsolvable case. one filled with mystery and drama. the following dialogue ensues. some content may be graphic and disturbing; viewer discretion is advised:

dr.o: so what's got all your panties' in a bunch?
int1: dr.o, there's a patient you might want to see. his name is...
dr.o: rabble, rabble rabble. you don't need to know his name to find a diagnosis. just give me the patient's history file before i swashbuckle you with my cane.

and intern 1 complies sheepishly as the two interns glance at each other, and roll their eyes.

dr.o: so. to the basics.

and he begins to read off the history, while writing on a whiteboard with some black and green whiteboard markers.

dr.o: patient is nauseous. complains of headache and persistent pain at the base of his skull. also, an apparent pain at the 'posterior of his eyeballs'. who the hell says that anyway? are we still living in 17th century britain, where everyone is unknowingly a poet with some medical education?
int1: well, he is british, and he does...
dr.o: yap yap yap. photophobia. significant hearing impairment and joint pain...

at this point, dr.o has written the following list on his whiteboard:
joint pain

int2: what about his hearing loss?
dr.o: obviously a side effect of you two and your inability to pipe down while thinking.

scribbles hearing loss under the current list.

dr.o: so. what's not in the patient's history that you can tell me.
int1: well, his urine smells like penicillin.
dr.o: hmm. this is interesting. go on...
int2: 24 hour spiking fever reaching 39 degrees celcius.
dr.o: celcius? celcius? when did america become part of the eu? get a calculator and convert it to farenheit. or should i find another intern to do that for me?
int2: i'll get right on that. [whispers to intern 1, 'good luck,' as she leaves the room]
int1: hasn't had anything to eat since the onset of symptoms and is now refusing fluids.
dr.o: start an iv drip. and while you're at it, collect more insignificant details which you can't handle with your meager medical training. come now, more intriguing details, less jibber-jabber.
int1: umm. that's all we've got, really. everything else is in the history.
dr.o: what real doctor reads the history. now, diagnoses. we've got a huge base to cover. could be vascular. inflammatory. trauma. toxicity. autoimmune. metabolic. infective. neoplastic. congenital. drug-induced. idiopathic...
int1: but, o.
dr.o: what have i told you about interjecting thoughts and remaining silent?
int1: he just has a fever and we need your signature here to discharge him.

riveting stuff!
etc has had an acute fever and has been in bed, sleeping for roughly 24 hours straight. we all wish him the best.

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