Tuesday, 10 November 2009

to ease the pain

when people ask me questions after an exam, i'm a bit lost for feelings - on one hand i am adamant about sharing any scrap of knowledge one might have, even if it seemingly insignificant; on the other hand, the exam's done and over with so i don't really want to dwell on it, and would rather move forward to the upcoming one. and so, when my friend asked me a question today, and i can't even remember the question (which makes me think that i may have overlooked it, and not answered) i, with mixed feelings, had to discuss it.

be that as it may, misgivings and all, i have to say, the stress and jilting of exams is something i actually enjoy. now, before you yell 'freak!' and proceed to throw proverbial stones, hear me out.

i dislike these things just as much as the next person. having your future in the balance of (what sometimes is not even in) your control is not a pleasant feeling. and this is much accentuated when you're pitted against your peers - the same people whom you joke with, the same people whom you chill out with, the same people whom you bitch about with.

now put that sentiment aside, and think about what happens in the absence of these external stressors. for some, it's the bliss of ignorance, for others it's the numbness of the mundane, and for others still it's the excitement of freedom and adventure. whatever floats your boat. for me, it's the bipolar swings between euthymia and chronic depression. and i say this not because it's cool to be emo, and definitely not because sympathy feeds my ego, but because i know for a damn-well fact: a week from finishing that final paper, i'll be plunged into that corner of self-doubts and existential crises i reserve at the side of my mind, the uncertainty of future events having a heisenberg nature to it, speed and momentum being replaced by happiness and wealth (at least for the moment).

anyway, the point i was trying to make is that, sometimes i need the little things to preoccupy myself with, so that the bigger picture doesn't bog me down into a rut all the time. true in itself, mayhap this applies to you, too? if not, i envy your ability to either look past the bigger picture, or tunnel-vision on the smaller things in life. either way, whatever numbs the suffering - much like how emos /wrists i guess, except in a mentally masochistic way.

until i can attain such enlightenment, though, keep asking me those exam questions, such that i may forever be blissfully ignorant. if only.

p/s: i may joke about it, but /wrists is srs bznz. a moment's silence for those who actually physically hurt themselves:

because the pain is the only thing that makes me feel alive

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