break before you turn

when bones break, they snap askew, they bleed on blanche, they mend anew.

when banks break, they wrangle votes, they live on debt, they burn our notes.

when hearts break, one cannot feel, it shred apart, and does not heal.

when minds break, what's left is void, with lifeless years, addled and toyed.



when spirits break, awkward and odd, one strayed too far, from love and God.

when eyes break, with pupils fray, from casting gaze, that looks away.

when hands break, they smash and shatter, they do not do, what else that matter.

when men break, they go awry, they do break down, all night they cry.



when i brake, it's vegas or bust. woo.

woods from the trees (omg there's a flying lizard, too)

sometimes i like to think that life is like a giant forest. it doesn't have to be a conventional forest with trees and such, and most of the time i end up dreaming that the objects around you change. perpetually. incessantly.

you're not really trying to get to a point on the other side of all these trees; you don't really know where you're headed except you're moving around in this vast and practically infinite world of events. which is not to say that life is such a big adventure for everyone - in fact most of the people i know strive to make it linear and predictable. there is a sense of security required as a basic need for many persons to just keep moving. and (unsaddling my high horse here) i am happy to admit that i am one of these persons. in the most extreme of senses, too. monotony, how i love thee. say you'll never leave me?

the themes explored in my brief ennuis are neither alien nor novel. attaining maturity, convolution of events, unpredictability of life, so on and so forth. i am not trying to claim grounds on any of these ideas. the only thing i do want to claim is having learnt from my mistakes. and there should be a godaymn prize for this, too, because it's not something that came easily.

one of the greatest things about life is the fleetingness of it all - the fact that you can be scaling a tree one second, and falling to your death the next; or swimming a lake today only to wake up adrift in a sea of madness and mad men. women, too, if you like. gender equality and all that jazz. so, for a person such as myself, where ecstasy is taking a couple hours from a daily slog to engage in escapism, only to return when i need to instead of when i want, coming to terms with that life will not grow the garden of idealisms and set-goals you've (i've) worked for all along is a very scary idea. that, and in converse, life will probably mutate into that scary and exciting forest we wanted for metaphor earlier.

the next big step would probably be not just coming to terms with this, but embracing it. loving it for all it's worth. and best of all, living it to the fullest. feel free to insert your cliched remarks here about having no regrets or seizing the day. i would care to banter with you but there's some pterodactyls flying overhead that need to say hello to my steam-punk grappling hook.

i love his craft

i sought to best this stormy night,
and 'gain to walk amongst the living;
but ill prepared, this soulless wight,
for in his house, he waits dreaming.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn...
Cthulu fhtagn!

serve thy rightly

of stormy seas and flowing gales,
of desert suns and arid winds;
hath not it spoken whence thine fails?
from folly wrest our mortal sins.

and thought this i were heart of stone,
come lovely sights and lightful days;
with tongues 'tis tied and honour hone,
a mind breath stillborn passeth ways.

alas, i heed no summer's day,
and naught doth sorrow winter's night;
come reckless 'bandon fortunes may,
with starry, boneless wings take flight.

i preached and swore 'gainst God's best will, i said so convicted so true,
how would i know of what is best? of this one's faith lies but in You.

the young man and bacteria

i am dumbfounded. my experiments have failed yet again. though they have not failed me inasmuch as i have failed them, as they have taught me more than i could ever garner from success alone.

and still i do not understand, what has gone where wrong how whyly? maybe a fresh start will cure this ailment. maybe a fresh start will cure everything. maybe a fresh start will absolve all the sins of a once old man, and rejuvenate what youth is left of embalming hope.

one can only freshly start once he has shaven his beard and moustache. this, i believe to be the true irony of youth. much like how marlins struggle for days before dying at the hands of incompetent old men, and becoming fodder for sharks and tourist cameras.

knight

in the year of farms, where animals nightly roam,
outside the bounds of human's, pig's home;
toils mighty the strength of slightly in fright,
of death for others, the chivalrous knight.

for money or hay, there is not naught,
for queen and country this old mare fought;
only but to not afford, his coffin in blunder,
through taken in wreaths, his own six feet under.

in selflessness lives, in lonesome is death,
to each knight lies, and lives through last breath;
and cannot repay what is valued by none,
until there's left all nary but one.

so, queen, dictate and steady your hand,
'tis not without love lost in reprimand;
and tell him, your knight, of moon-lit - star shine,
while intoxicated with bribe and sickly cheap wine.

then feed him no meal, and feed him no love,
until comes death's angel from low or above;
then forget him just as you had with your brother,
when in fact he was ready to give smother.

and know that this knight will forever love thee devotee,
even when your heart and hand is with he.

temporal displacement

like whoa.

finding love

usually i like to allude in my posts. it seems more aloof and permits me to retain what little measure of dignity i have left after the breach of anonimity. however, today's is more explicit,involving a theme commonplaace in our lives - the pursuit of love. sure, it's noble to talk about divine love or family love or friendship love or even love for an inanimate object (though, i don't think loving your right hand is something i want to hear about). however, i'm referring to the plain and simple love for a single, other human being in a romantic way. and no, i don't want to hear your ideas on polyamory.

what brought this about is the simple (and probably insignificant) event of rejection, which leaves me stranded (still) in a land of confusion and trying to find love. to be honest, i wanted to write a lot on this, but as i lie here, i think now that i need to straighten my thoughts beforehand (sleep sounds pretty good, too).

so i guess i'll leave you with some choice phrases or sentences that you may have heard (received or even used) before. choice here because i don't really seem to understand them:

5. 'it's just the way things are meant to turn out'
4. 'i never saw you in that kind of way'
3. 'you're the closest i've had to a brother / sister, but you never passed that level'
2. 'it's not you'

all of these never really make sense to me. maybe i'm just that thick but i dunno, there's got to be better ways (more empathic ways, at least) of letting someone down. oh, and this is my personal favourite, because i get this every single time. without fail. it's like the description of my (absence of) relationship life. i don't even know how true this is, because it can't be so true as to warrant all this loneliness. have at you:

1. 'you're really a great guy/girl, but...'

yeah, there must be a textbook out there somewhere and this is the first thing people learn.

anyway. i really hope this didn't end up being a b*tching post, it never was intended to be that way. i am not bitter, and i am not angry (honestly!). i am but confused.

still looking for a way into love.

dejectedly i sigh.

forever.

alone.

kekekekeke.

time machine

there's many points in life when i wish i could go back in time and change certain key points in my history. i think of this so much, in fact, that i have it narrowed down to a list of 3 key points, exactly. though the pomp and circumstance of each situation is important, and paradoxically unimportant to what i am stating today, it is essential that i point out that there are, indeed, such turning points in our every lives (and if you disagree, you are either a lucky b*s3rd, or deserve a punch in the face for being a liar).

however, many things shape our outlooks on life - from how we percieve things to how we deal with things, to how we respond to things. though what i say may just be shrugged off because it contains no value and fits no context, i would like to say it anyway:

like many scholars of the eastern philosophies, one should learn to accept things, not only as they are, but with the confidence that each occurance has produced a best-fit solution. each and every time. it may be easy for one to find, in his limited and short-sighted mind, a plethora of ways in which each occasion could have been bettered, but at the end of the day, even the simple belief that this could not be further from the truth is sometimes enough to lead us to making better decisions at each of the new corners we face, be they major or inconsequential ones.

to reiterate, the thought that things couldn't have turned out better (not just for oneself but for everyone on a whole), may be the saving grace of our very existence. and the fact that i still live is a testimony to this, if only in my own mind. ah, well, i suppose if things were to happen in a different way, i would not have had them happen the same way they replay in my mind, anyway, so there is naught but folly in assuming that they would.

song-a-long

hello again, everyone! in the final installation of song-a-long, we visit the kubler-ross model, more commonly known as the five stages of grief. though he writes in specific reference to death, any tragedy can easily befit the model. as such, through the week we (i) have visited (though not actually in this order) the following:

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression

and have yet to come to the final stage...

5. acceptance.

however, it would be folly to say that this will never come about, and one day or another, i think i'll finally be at peace with myself (and fermina, i would hope). in lieu of that, the final song is dedicated to accepting grief.

in other news, i find it ironic that i started blogging in the first place to cope with worldly woes, and ended up on hiatus for the same reason. i guess that didn't work well, and writing does provide a good outlet for the soul. in conclusion, back to blogging like before.

song-a-long

when i graduated from listening to my father's old vinyl and cassettes of queen, guess which band i started listening to as a personal choice? yeap, a lil' bit of glam rock, a lil' bit of crazy-a$$ vocals. my favourite song from aerosmith is actually, 'jaded' but i think this song suits the song-a-long week theme better. just so you can see how epic the clip is, though, here's some j-j-jaded.

song-a-long

double post today because i missed monday. also, no elaborations because i'm really tired and i guess there's not much to say yet. song-a-long week continues for a few more days, you won't have to put up with much more, i swear!

song-a-long

queen is probably my favourite band of all time. listening to them brings back memories of more innocent times.

times where life revolved around coming home from school and looking forward to kicking around the football with friends 'til dusk, then falling asleep in the company of a good fantasy book.

times when sitting with my brother and playing scrabble or a default computer game or cards (with made up rules), or heading to the cousins' house was a highlight of the weekend.

times where having time alone enabled me to just sit alone on the college roof and stare at the stars.

song-a-long

not really liking their style, but the song really speaks. also, i hate you sony entertainment for disallowing embedding of all the official clips. please die in a fire.

song-a-long

a lot of my fellow bloggers link video-clips or youtube clips on their blogs, which is pretty cool. i've always had a thing against doing that, since it derails from actually writing. however, i don't really write all that much nowadays, even though i really intend to get back at some point. things just haven't permitted such. and life is just too complicated right now. as such, i'm going to try this for a bit. one week to be exact. and you can look forward to a clip a day, each time representing a bit of the theme i'm living through right now.

however, i do realise in the fullest that when other people do this on their blogs or facebook or the such, i rarely view the videos. this is partially due to indifference, and partially due to my mac slowly dying away, much similar to what little bit of soul and faith i have left. and so, i guess, i don't really expect anyone to view these, but it does serve here as a good reminder to myself, should i go through my archives in the future (something i actually enjoy doing). but for that small fraction of a percentage of people (where in this case n < 3) who actually relate to the songs, these are dedicated to you - for the lyrics only really mean something to someone who can empathise, and the melancholy is only spared to those who sympathise with their fellows. skull!