Friday, 16 July 2010

take me out to the movies

it's a good thing our kids don't learn from the movies, because this is what i've gained thus far:

1. shooting a car in the gas tank makes great scott bejeebus explosions. and you can survive these by jumping at the very second it goes off.
2. all asians know some type of martial arts, and will kick your ass if you mess with them. that's right, cuh.
3. all black people like to rap, are pro at b-ball, and are 7 feet tall.
4. all girls are hot. no exceptions.
5. everything conveniently concludes and finds closure in themselves in at most, 3 hours. goddamn you titanic / lotr / 300 / etc.

6. jocks are out to beat your ass. no exceptions. they are also good looking, retarded as monkeys, have the intellect of 3 1/2 goldfishes and are always buff.
7. people talk to random strangers. regularly. anywhere. seriously, where do the writers come up with this crap?
8. science is amazing, every bit revolutionary, extravagant and elaborate. if there aren't any explosions, lasers, nanotechnologicalbullcrappardonmylanguage, mutated rabbit-lion-aliens, then it's not science. and scientists are cool.

9. your average joe can take on trained, galactic-grade henchmen. and drones. as long as they're disposable. might need some help with the ones with some character.
10. everyone can dance. just. no. wtf is this.

11. people can fall in love at first sight, or at most after meeting 3 or 4 times. really, do the scriptwriters even go out on dates? or are they repressed nerds still living in their grandparents' basements? more stereotypes to come.
12. the hot babe can fall for the nerd.
13. the hot babe can fall for the underachiever.
14. the hot babe can fall for the jock.
15. the hot babe can fall for [any social outcast / niche lifestyle].
16. the hot babe can fall for the hot babe. mmmm.
17. everyone gets laid. high fives all 'round. woooooo.
18. every day, we're under the threat of international terrorism, biological warfare, nuclear threat and zomgwtfbbq space asteroids colliding into earth. the fact that all of this goes unaware of is all thanks to super-government agencies and covert ops. with the help of superman in there, somewhere.
19. nobody goes home disappointed. nobody. except the villain or antagonist. sucks to be you.
20. werewolves and vampires can be cute, articulate and self-sacrificial. the fact that they ravage your flesh, rip up your limbs and suck your very living essence is negated by that they are model-esque heartthrobs. who apparently don't know how to wear shirts. yeah, i'm talking about you, twilight... things. i hate you with a burning passion comparative to that of a thousand burning suns. i hope you all die in an acid cloud. of fire. and brimstone. with lasers and napalm. die.

p/s: i also watched a crap-load of movies over this break (which is coming to an end, oh noes). one in particular, 500 days of summer, which was recommended to me very highly by captain america, did disappoint. severely. it's good and all but, eh. very aloof. very unreal. i like that 3rd rock guy, though, he's cool and stuff.

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