Sunday, 18 July 2010

halitosis hogsbreath

i hate halitosis and i'm kinda self conscious about it. when i say self-conscious, i mean i'll continually check myself after a meal; i'll not talk to anyone in the morning unless i've had my teeth brushed; and i definitely won't live a day without mouthwash. okay, i don't use mouthwash but, i think i make my point.

he's ugly. poor. stupid. and bad in bed. but he still stood a chance, until she found out his breath was like dead rabbits drenched in hydrogen sulphide. left to dry in the sun.

anyway, this applies in the opposite direction, too. i mean, it's a social thing, right? it should be mutual. if i do my part to make your day free of toxic death by rancid dragon's breath (and this has nothing to do with medieval roleplay, which has the potential of being epic), i think it's my right to expect the same. don't get me wrong, though. i have nothing against natural bodily emissions - i don't have a problem with you letting one rip in my presence, or burping the alphabet while i'm watching telly. although, if my shows are on, and you're disturbing me, you stand a pretty big chance of getting cut with a blunt arsenic-laced scalpel. but, i think it would be nice if people could keep their putrid odours to themselves. takes like 20 seconds to pop out of the room to pop one out of yourself, if you know what i mean. god, no. that's not an euphemism for masturbation. jesus effing christ, what the hell, guys?

even sister halitosis says, 'dude, what the sweet mouth-hygene jesus, guys?'

anwyay. what i'm getting at is, keeping your breath fresh isn't hard, and (at least for me) it's kinda a big deal. and i'm here to help you out so you don't suffer and make other suffer from bad breath.

the most common cause of horrible mouth laser blasts is bacteria. if you've got crap living in your mouth, then your mouth probably smells like. crap. so, brush your tongue, palate, and gums when you brush your teeth. use breath mints if you really have to. and by all means, gargle that mouthwash like you're learning how to give a sloppy one. and brush three times a day. at least once. i mean, come on, guys. once. not that hard.

e. coli. i must have posted this guy a billion times, already. you should know him by now.
if i ever wake up one morning after a drunken haze, and find myself in some 'girl next-door'-esque situation, in a universe where the north and south poles are reversed and where george bush gets elected yet another time... i will still up and effing dump that girl that very second if she says 'good morning' and knocks me unconscious with her breath. no sh*t. wait, where was i going with this... digressing again.

so yeah, if you actually read thusfar, besides keeping your mouth clean, there's also this small matter of your stomach. people with e. coli persistence (and some other gut fauna) have a high chance of developing fetid effing face poison. so if you think you have a problem, and it's not to do with your mouth because you brush 7.81 times a day and gargle so much you might as well drink that sh*t. then you could try getting rid of a potential stomach infection. additionally, it would help you with any related digestive problems. maybe even reduce that gas problem you have, too. two birds one stone. oh yeah, and maybe even get rid of potential cancer, too. that's one big bird you'd probably be happy to knock down.

big bird. get it? aw, come on. well, eff you, too.

trust me, you don't want your duodenum ending up like this. sh*t's nasty.

and if you still have a problem... well, what can i say? do you have a metabolic deficiency? is your family cursed for 7 generations with the breath of death? are you a mythical animal that only lives on a diet of rotting flesh and garbage? are you planning on assassinating the president of a certain country using bodily methods that will get past any level of security (albeit probably killing the security in the process, anyway)?

remember, mouthwash is your friend. and no, i don't get paid by listerine. although if you know a job opening, i'm open to suggestions.

also, something off topic, here's something 'exciting' that has happened in perth, recently. it's about as exciting as this place gets.

1 comment:

etc said...

goddamn spammers. die.