my life as a soldier of fortune

my youth was so full of ignorance. and this is not something that is new or exciting. it's neither unforseen nor unwanted. but, i'd like to point out a particular naivety that has come to light in the past 3 or 4 years - that i used to do things for idealism. that's not a misstated concept, i did not do things idealistically, but i did things for idealism. what does that even mean, you ask? let us take some examples and see if this concept can be... conceptualised.

1. i used to want to do a job because i loved it. now i just need the money. lots and lots and lots of money. it's a bit too late for that, but what i want is more important in this conceptualisation that what i'm able to achieve.

2. i used to want to eat because it sustained me, it tasted exquisite, it was worth eating. now i'm just fracking hungry.

3. i used to want to love because i loved this person, this divine being, this heart of purity and flesh of ambrosia. now i just love because everyone's doing it. and because you can't love with just love alone.

4. i used to want to live because life was worth living; that the succulent taste of life was double rainbows and cats and cheeseburgers. now, wtf is this, i don't even...

5. i used to want to write because words are melodic and true and faithful and sweet, sweet release. now i write because, if i don't, the darkness of the world sits upon my chest like an imp with ball and chain.

6. i used to want to play because it was joyful and relaxing and exuberance of the flesh. now i want to play because, what else is there to do?

i hope this has exemplified how someone may do things because of idealisms (but not any more).