centre

people speak of finding their centres, a moment in life when everything falls into place and nothing seems to take precedence over keeping that centre. i felt, for a time, that i had found that centre, but i lost it. in fact, i think i had 'found' my centre multiple times in life, and it is a recurring event that i have found and lost and again found it.

each time, though, the balance is shifted in a different direction - maybe today it will be spiritual, maybe tomorrow it will be academic. maybe today it will be something, and maybe tomorrow it will be someone. the only trend i notice is that with every finding of my centre, it is more meaningful, but also more fragile, and to keep it is increasingly impossible; a dream more shattered by the most trivial things compared to before, but in that transience that i hold it, it will mean the world to me, and more.

so, today, i reflect and see that i have found no centre any more. and this is both good and bad news in that i must strive for a new balance, but also with the knowledge that when i find it, it will mean more to me than that one last grounding centre i had had before. but know this, that should i never find it, then life will have been complete, in that a blossomed centre was once existent, and that i could never keep it meaning that its effervescence only proves the nature of such centres and worldliness.

maybe i should refrain from such search, and let it come to me, for fatalism seems much more befitting serendipity than does effort.