google autofill does the weirdest crap. i'm sure all the memeticly-inclined lurkers are already typing out 'old meme is old'. in their 400 wpm blaze of light. only pausing to refresh another forum window. i hate you all. *ahem*. google autofill. i run a shitty old powerbook g4. some (all) of my tech-savvy friends groan and whine when they hear about it. and believe me, you can hear all about it from a mile away. the nearest resemblance of sound i can quote to you of my laptop's fan is that of an aeroplane taking off. one of those big ones, i think a380 is a good comparison. and no, stop trying to make me type airplane. here, have more cheese with that whine. anyway, back to relevance... i run a shitty old powerbook g4. and it takes forever for stuff to load up. so, when i use google to search for stuff (guys, i know where your mind is going, but surely you use more sophisticated tools than google to help you... pass the time... fluff the garfeild... whatever it is you call your happy time). but yeah.
takes forever to load stuff up. so i never really notice google's autofill doing stuff. it just takes longer than i can type stuff out, and usually i know what stuff i want to check out, anyway, so the point is moot. also, i have google search embedded in my toolbar somewhere... so autofill doesn't get triggered most of the time.
anyway. last night i was using the old-skool google for something, i dunno. and i typed out 'is it wrong...' and left it at that to go answer the phone. don't ask me what i was googling up (oh hey, hello google as a verb). i really can't remember, i was pretty much half asleep already at the time. so i come back, and autofill has some really weird crap going on.
'is it wrong to sleep with my mother/sister/aunt/brother' heck, pretty much every suggestion was 'is it wrong to sleep with [someone]'
seriously, what is wrong with the world, today? what day did i fall asleep and wake up only to have missed some international bill where sleeping around is acceptable, popular, trendy, and; dare i say; encouraged? not just normal sleeping around, but with members of your immediate family / old people (god, that's gross) / the neighbour's dog / [equally disturbing image here]?
some time ago i wrote about the conceptual penis and its caveats. after since, i have been receptive to other words in search of a better term. so far the normal stuff are like mangina, breasticles, vagenis etc etc. and i just can't find something that fits the bill.
on one hand, i think this is because the concept i'm trying to convey (not that it's a new one, in any way), and on the other, i think this is because i'm not even sure what it is a definition should encompass and hold.
in any case, i think this is a concept well worth mulling about. and i fully intend to find a good definition so that one day, maybe i can use it in a conversation and people will actually know what i'm talking about.
i am only 30. the average life expectancy in a developed country is about 80 years. i have all the time in the world.
i am only sick. terminal cancer patients can live for a median of 1.2 months. or even up to years, if i'm lucky. i have all the time in the world.
i am only a single conscript in an endless war. it's a matter of days before we are shelled out of our foxholes. i have all the time in the world.
i am only here because of the sins of my past. one last meal for a deathrow inmate, one last passage from the bible from an ever-believing pastor. the hours tick 'til the sentence is at hand. i have all the time in the world.
i am only crying out for help and attention. but as my life oozes out of my body as my sanguine blood drips from the lacerations on my wrist, i wonder where the white light leads to. i will know in mere minutes. i have all the time in the world.
i am only trying to make the world a better place. as the sound of a sniper rifle echoes from a distance, i know the whistling bullet is seconds away from impacting my skull. i have all the time in the world.
i am only a fictional character in a fictional world of fictional disasters and fictional ends. nuclear fallout has never looked so unintimidating. picoseconds before all is lost. i have all the time in the world.
some time ago (in fact, it was not too long ago), man was infatuated with fermina. in fact, one could say that man was infatuated with the idea of fermina; not who she is but what she stood for.
then, in the light of un-acceptance and distancing, man's body would heal, his mind would forget and his spirit would forgive. but his heart would never be free.
this would not have been a problem, had the red queen's reign come into being with steadfast and unrelenting precision. but, being the queen that she is, there is no monarchy, no matriarchy, no dictatorship. there is only promise of a promise.
and now, wanting what one might want from the world, but unable to attain it without worldliness, fermina re-introduces herself to man, and insomuch as begging as much as requesting for wanting, we question the sitting of man's heart -
does it sit on a throne, or does it lie upon a pedestal?
peter is a carp. he is a type of fish that people keep because he has pretty orange and black spots on his silvery, shiny skin. peter is a big carp. he is the biggest fish in his pond. every day, all the other fish would tell him, 'wow, peter. you are the biggest koi we have ever seen!' and this would please peter very much. sometimes he would think to himself that he is the king of all fishes. and sometimes, especially when he dreamed at night, peter would realise that he is the biggest fish in all the world.
one day, peter's owner, pat, decided that peter was so big, that he had to be moved away. this made peter feel extremely sad, as he was leaving all his close fish friend behind. but, it also made him feel very excited, because it meant that he was a really big fish, and maybe, he would be moved to a place where there were other big fish! but, of course, they would not be as big as he was. they, too, would then see peter as a king of fishes, and he would make new friends. and all of them would tell him that 'peter, what a big fish you are! we wish we were as big and beautiful as you are'.
so the day came when peter would move. all the fish said their goodbyes and farewells. and with a tear in his eye, peter bid them all a fond departure, and left for his new home - a place pat called 'the big blue sea'.
reaching his new home, peter felt slightly anxious! there were no walls, like his old pond. there was no bottom that he could see or feel or even imagine. there was no crowded little nook or comfortable tunnel in which peter could huddle in. oh, dear. this will not do at all. all there was, was an endless deep blue. peter was all alone, too. soon he began to be afraid. but he thought to himself 'well, since there are no more limits here, and there are no other fish around, i shall just grow and grow and grow. i will grow until i am the biggest fish in the world (although i already am) and when i am big enough, everyone and every fish will see me. they will all think "my, what a huge fish that is. i wish i were as enormous as him!" and then, i will be able to make all the friends i need!' this thought put a very big smile on his face.
soon peter began to explore the sea, and as he swam farther away from where he was released, he began to see all sorts of fish. 'this is already working out as i had planned! oh, joy!' he thought. and he began to eat as much as he could, trying his best to be the biggest fish that he could be (although, seeing all these new fish, he already knew he was the biggest fish in all the world. it could not hurt to be even bigger, though). so he ate, and he swam, and he ate and he swam, and in his mind he was growing ever so bigger each time (even though he actually wasn't).
peter swam deeper and it got colder. peter met very new types of fish. there were fish that looked like snakes! there were fish that looked like pancakes! there were fish that looked like balls and mace-heads! there were fish that just didn't look like fish. but, in all their strangeness, all these fish were not as big as peter, and that's all that counts.
deeper, peter swam. faster, peter swam. farther, peter swam. and soon, everything was dark, and cold, and peter could see nothing more than a pitch black. and here, peter viewed the most fantastic fish in the entire world. some fish held lanterns above their heads, some fish wore colourful skins, some fish had no eyes, and some fish had very, very sharp teeth. soon, peter realised that the fish were, indeed getting very big. though the fish were bigger than he already, in his eyes, peter was just that much longer to make him the longest, just that much heavier to make him the heaviest, just that much bigger to make him the biggest.
and on peter swam, 'til he was lost entirely in the darkness. in a place where there are whales and sharks and giant squid and a whole series of uncategorised fish. and things that are not fish. and what happens to peter? it is too dark for us to tell. some say he was eaten by the fish he sought so hard to beat in size. some say he grew larger than any of them all, and became the biggest fish in the world. some say he just faded away into the darkness. * koi are fresh-water fish, and would die if placed in the sea. this is a children's story, stop hating.
for those of us living abroad, with penniless pockets and unwavering needs (or wants), there comes a time every so often, where you have to make a decision on how to cut down on expenses. for me, the obvious choice has always been regarding food. i cannot imagine how people survive eating out every day, so for those who do, pardon my ignorance. for the others amongst us who have to slave over proverbial and literal hot stoves, those who have to brave the perils of grocery-shopping lines, those of us who wane and wax in the comparison between product prices and relative quality, read on.
the every so often i speak of usually comes towards the end of the month, when money is at a dwindling low. or for those people who get it every three months, then okay, it's three months. or for those lucky bastards who mooch of their parents are born into some eastern european royal family, that time never comes. and i hate you so much. *ahem*
so yeah, need to cut down expenditures on food. in conjunction with the fasting month of ramadhan, this means that i just skip all food expenses altogether. it's pretty amazing. every day, i will just turn up to uni, spend the afternoon at the lab and get some work done (which is an extra perk, as i usually don't do anything resembling work). and when the evening comes, off to the uni musolla we go, for free iftar. aw yeah, that's how i roll.
the free food is usually chicken or mutton curry with briyani rice. it's pretty awesome. at any rate, it's way better than anything i can conjure up using the magic of microwave. somehow i've developed a taste for the mutton. mmmm. probably because even when i have to get my own food, i usually get chicken on account of it being the cheapest meat i can get. and as we all know, the more expensive something is, the better tasting it is. except oysters. blegh. and so this brings us to the end of ramadhan, and it's now time to view the moon to determine when syawal is - the first day of eid al fitr. normally, ramadhan is 29 or 30 days in length, and so i just assumed that it would fall on a friday or saturday, here in perth. but it seems that the powers that be have also decided that eid should fall on thursday. what the currypuff jesus is happening? i always thought it was all about the unity of the ummah and all that jazz. being the perpetually confused person that i am, i sought to find out the source of this disparancy. sure enough, the theme of the month could not stray any further from food, for you see, the culprit in determining the day of eid falling on thursday was no other than turkey.
don't be surprised, fooled or appalled. this may be more likely than you think. having been sick with strep throat, strep ear, strep tongue and strep liver over the past weeks, i have undergone many physiological changes and adaptations, throughout which it has come to me: 'hey. why is it i notice some people do the same things, but to them all this sh*t is normal?' that's just wrong.
here's some examples of telltale signs that your friend may be not of the homo sapiens species. and genus, to be pedantic:
1. sleeping more than 18 hours a day. this is ridiculous. i know some people are getting old (points away from myself). but 18 hours. really. it's like bejamin button took a crap in my breakfast and decided to infect me with whatever... thing... he has. and no, i don't know if it's transmissible in that way, get off my case. and while we're on that, that's another thing, i totally... zzz... 2. metabolic activity drops to -10 when it's cold. i used to love the cold. it sure as hell beats the tropical sun blasting uv death into your face every day of the year. but then, i had to go and study in the uk. and sweet frostbitten toes jesus does winter suck. i take back everything i have ever said to belittle the sun. everything. in fact, let me say it up straight, right now: mr. sun. i love you so much. even more than a mother loves her newly born child. even more than how fat kids love chocolate. even more than how there is love lost on fermina. seriously, never leave me again. ahem. and snow is the work of the devil. how ironic is that. fez will tell you more about this (i don't remember if i've got this episode right, and the internet is super slow here at my workplace house, so i'm just playing this by ear. if i've got the wrong episode, someone point me in the wrong direction):
... which has absolutely nothing to do with that metabolism thing i was talking about... but never mind this. you get my drift.
3. eating everything in sight. apparently, it goes both ways (that's what she said, oh!). some people eat loads when they're sick and some people eat nothing. so, we can't really say that someone might be an alien based on how much (s)he eats. however, what that person eats is a very telltale sign - just like a chameleon, these potential aliens will eat anything and everything. i kid you not. i mean, just the other day i ate 5 day old rice. 5. day. old. it tasted horrible, but at the time it didn't feel that way. then there's the attempt to eat oyster. now, don't get me wrong, a lot of people enjoy eating slimy, bacteria-and-virus-laden, toxic muscle of stomach agony. and that's fine with them. but for someone who has tried it and actively despises such vile and rancid things, even attempting to try it was... ugh. 4. the power of persuasion. come on. any good spy should be able to change your mind by some means or another. i'm talking jedi mind tricks. men who stare at goats. socratic logic. don corleone threats. whatever it takes. but, all these are human-based and are flawed. real aliens do it hypnotoad style. all bow to hypnotoad. 5. forgetting things. yea, i know it's pretty common for infections to effect your mind. especially with cases of upper respiratory tract infections, which go on to have meningitis effects. but the, you have that really awkward thing where you are in mid sentence and forget what you were... wait, what was i saying?
6. secretly going missing every few hours. for me, this was disappearing to the wc and flushing from my system the contents of lunch. breakfast and last night's dinner, too, sometimes. i'll spare you the details. but, in the case of alien chameleons (who obviously don't use the toilet, like humans do), they'll disappear all the time to an undisclosed and unknown location. which, i hypothesise, is to their secret beam-me-up-scotty devices to transmit useless information back to the mother-brain. check if your best friend has one of these in the backyard.
7. blanking out every once in a while. i'm embarrassed to say this, but when i'm thoroughly sick, i can't control myself. kind of like barney in a bar with hot chicks. college-girl-five. but yeah, i'm not talking about libido (although, we could move on to this, next, if that's your kind of thing. and you're of the opposite gender). ahem. sometimes i'm just walking along and feel a mild attack of postural hypotension coming along (you can tell i spend most of my sick days in bed). then. boom. nothing but black. and i find myself on the floor wondering how i got there, with memories vaguely coming back, accompanied by the throbbing pain that radiates from the spot on my cranium where i hit the floor first. which sometimes happens to be on my forehead. great reflexes there, i know. and how this relates to alien chameleons. well, from watching the discovery channel, apparently, they fall off trees randomly sometimes. and i can only imagine them going through the same thing, except for them this isn't because of sickness, but is a normal happenstance. 8. inane infatuation with mundane things. wow. this pencil. it's amazing!
9. forgetting things. yea, i know it's pretty common for infections to effect your mind. especially with cases of upper respiratory tract infections, which go on to have meningitis effects. but the, you have that really awkward thing where you are in mid sentence and forget what you were... wait, what was i saying?
10. changing colours. you may wonder why i have left this 'til the last part. chameleons and changing colours. duh. but this would be wayyyyy too obvious a giveaway. come on, humans going purple, green, yellow, or any other colour of the rainbow. well, purple isn't a colour of the rainbow, i get it, calm the eff down. violet. there. here, have a picture of a rainbow lightning, just because it's awesome. but yeah, i'm not talking about literal colours. more like mood, affect and all that psychological jazz. if you've seen a pms-ing chick, you know that moods can swing like a 40's jitterbug. and sick people have reason to do the same. well, really sick people.
now, alien chameleons were never brought up to deal with emotions like humans were. heck, even some humans weren't. but anyway, chameleons aren't on best terms with emotions. so if you see someone just randomly changing from emotional blue to emotional green to emotional red. something's probably up.
and that's it. god, that was long. i'm not an alien.
an amateur mathematician sans writer trapped in the corporeal nightmare of a biologist. a decrepit sage of factoids which are useless in the real world, and a relic of a time ere knowledge was currency of import, moreso than paper and coin.
